Reveals George's Contempt for his Audience

I am utterly indifferent to the newest three Star Wars films in and of themselves. They are like novocain - dull, stupefying, numbly mediocre, utterly uninteresting. Awful movies, that is. It is what they signify that so deeply offends me. Their commonplace dreadfulness is magnified and made obscene by the desecration of creative genius they represent.

First of all, I've seen all three of the "first three episodes" - what I prefer to call only the last three spurts of fetid foul-smelling putrescence that Lucas has secreted** - and I can't tell you much about the new characters. And the original - actual first - three Star Wars movies were all about the characters.

I mean, sure, there are a few ridiculous interchangeable trade federation aliens, and a sanctimonious bunch of goofy looking jedis on a council (none of whom I can name other than Yoda) a couple of droid/clone armies, and a princess. What's her name? Almierda? Then there's Anakin and Obi wan and Liam Neesonwan. Those are only names from this heinous sluice of florid excrement - sorry - series that I can remember, other than Count Dookoo (Dookoo?? Good name, there George. Apt indeed...), that Sirius dude thing, and Darth Maul (the only interesting new character, who Lucas brilliantly kills off in the first episode) and, of course, the gapingly stupid - actually, I can't remember that floppy eared Rasta talking thing's name now either. Good. I've purged it.

So the new characters are mostly annoying; or boring automatons, voids and ciphers.

Even worse, the story is an utter muddle. The original series was a stark battle between Good and Evil. The bad guys were very bad, and very dangerous - compelling in that horrifying way that the SS was compelling, evil in the worst and most seductive way. The good guys were heroic, and what's more sexy - they made you want to be heroic too. Like elves in Tolkien, they made being good seem alluring, like the truly good always do. The new series - until the last fifteen minutes when Anakin finally became Darth Vadar, and I remembered why I was in theatre in the first place - has none of that profound moral tension. It's just insipid. The jedis actually come off as less sympathetic than the supposed bad guys. It was an ironic pleasure - one of the few these movies afforded - to see the annoyingly goofy lot of them abruptly and easily executed at the end of the series. Annihilating them in the first scene of Episode I might have earned this schlock two stars instead of none.

As for the rest of the mess that I suppose Lucas calls his "plot," it seemed to center on that aforementioned trade confederation. Waaay too exciting. And torturous Republican Senate politics, which the jedi are bound to perserve, by golly. Some intergalactic C-Span there for you kids. Democracy that elects that rasta dude to its assembly needs and deserves a dictator, I say.

For action, we got muddy, obviously CGI battle scenes in which I often had no idea what was going on, or how it related to the... story? The first sequence of scenes in Episode III is a good example of this - a huge CGI space battle, but with no context or coherence. Just clouds of indistinguishable, fake looking space ships zipping around performing ridiculous maneuvers, mostly meant for comic effect.

This "comedy" discloses the essence of these movies, revealing what I feel is Lucas' lack of seriousness and contempt for his audience. Han Solo or Lando Calrissian were usually playful & sardonic, and did fantastic things. The droids R2D2 & C3PO were kinda cute. But none of it ever felt gratuitous. Virtually everything they did seemed plausible, made sense in terms of their characters and the plot. Basic principle to writing good fiction, I'd think. Lucas has lost it.

And just what is this slavish passion for computer graphics? They all too often look fake. Some people born before 1970 have this childish obsessive fascination with the computer. They use computers even when what they're doing would be better accomplished some other way. Lucas is a major offender in this. Might as well just draw a cartoon in the middle of a movie. Anyway, his special effects were far better in 1977.

Last, and most heinously of all, there's the horrifically jejune love affair between Anakin & Princess What's Her Name. We are treated to some of the most awful, mind and soul numbing love prattle imaginable. It was agonizing. LaVyrle Spencer or that Nicolas Sparks fellow must have screen writing credits. If I hadn't been catonic at that point, I'd probably have upset my overflowing drool cup having dry heaves.

Anyway, to put a final point on it:

These films are the utter desecration by association of what are two of the best works of popular fiction ever produced. The first two Star Wars films are genius, epic. The third film (Return of the Jedi) is good, but seriously flawed. It was there that it became suddenly clear that Lucas did not understand that epic fiction and huge dollops of saccharine cuteness and arch sentiment are oil & water. Ewoks and goofy fake looking aliens condescendingly meant to appeal and be marketed to kids [as if all kids can appreciate is a cartoon] are lethal to the lack of affectation- that sense authenticity- an epic has to possess to succeed. You must be able to suspend disbelief, and buy into the world. Things like the ewoks and that stupid pod chariot race with those asinine alien commentators take a flamethrower to this principle.

Summation of Verdict: these movies are some of the most dissapointing, hence worst, I've ever seen. I rarely go to major studio releases any more, unless they look especially compelling. These works illustrate why. I only went to "Episodes II & III" for the sake of the seven year old I once was. It was a simple, visceral act of piety and nostalgia. I knew they would likely disappoint. So, it is only for the sake of that kid who walked flabbergasted and enchanted out of that theatre back in 1978 that I am writing about this drivel at all. Just to state for the record how putridly these three movies rot, and how disappointed I am.

How the mind that once wrote Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back could have had such a ghastly melt down is inexplicable.

George, I hope you read this. Stop messing with the original three. Re- release them in their original, unadulterated form, and I might watch one of your movies again. Maybe. If you also publish a rank full- page apology in the NY & LA Times and Washington Post and then mortify yourself with a scourge, cilice and hair shirt, all while sitting in stocks on Hollywood Boulevard for about a month.

** He could've quit after he put out Howard the Duck and Willow. But no.

painful dialogue

This is an action~packed and extremely visually impressive movie, with great music and sound effects, but the screenplay is just awful. I know I should expect that from a movie entitled "Attack of the Clones", but the whole "I don't like sand because it's not soft and smooth like you" thing is beyond the pale. While you are trying to appreciate the great FX work, you are pulverized by the surreally bad dialogue. Fast~forward whenever a non~British actor starts talking and it's a great movie.

Ivan Rorick

not quite as bad as episode I

Who's the kid that plays Anakin? What kind of favors did he, or his mother, have to do to get the gig?! He is one of the worst actors, and I use the term lightly, I've ever witnessed!!!

Boring, but at least it got rid of the racial stereotypes that was soooo offensive in episode I. For that alone I give this a solid 1 star. I would give #I no stars if I could!