"I have a bad feeling about this," says the young Obi-Wan Kenobi (played by Ewan McGregor) in Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace as he steps off a spaceship and into the most anticipated cinematic event... well, ever. He might as well be speaking for the legions of fans of the original episodes in the Star Wars saga who can't help but secretly ask themselves: Sure, this is Star Wars, but is it my Star Wars? The original elevated moviegoers' expectations so high that it would have been impossible for any subsequent film to meet them. And as with all the Star Wars movies, The Phantom Menace features inexplicable plot twists, a fistful of loose threads, and some cheek-chewing dialogue. Han Solo's swagger is sorely missed, as is the pervading menace of heavy-breather Darth Vader. There is still way too much quasi-mystical mumbo jumbo, and some of what was fresh about Star Wars 22 years earlier feels formulaic. Yet there's much to admire. The special effects are stupendous; three worlds are populated with a mélange of creatures, flora, and horizons rendered in absolute detail. The action and battle scenes are breathtaking in their complexity. And one particular sequence of the film--the adrenaline-infused pod race through the Tatooine desert--makes the chariot race in Ben-Hur look like a Sunday stroll through the park.

Among the host of new characters, there are a few familiar walk-ons. We witness the first meeting between R2-D2 and C-3PO, Jabba the Hutt looks younger and slimmer (but not young and slim), and Yoda is as crabby as ever. Natalie Portman's stately Queen Amidala sports hairdos that make Princess Leia look dowdy and wields a mean laser. We never bond with Jedi Knight Qui-Gon Jinn (Liam Neeson), and Obi-Wan's day is yet to come. Jar Jar Binks, a cross between a Muppet, a frog, and a hippie, provides many of the movie's lighter moments, while Sith Lord Darth Maul is a formidable force. Baby-faced Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) looks too young and innocent to command the powers of the Force or wield a lightsaber (much less transmute into the future Darth Vader), but his boyish exuberance wins over skeptics.

Unfortunate Mess, but kids will love it.

Kids willl love everything about this movie: Jar Jar, the semi-interesting villian Darth Maul, the lightsabers, the podrace. They might not get the unneccesarily complicated plot, but they won't care either. Adults and teens will be forced to take a different view.

The greatest thing that can be said for this movie is that it's usually fun to look at. Take the podrace sequence, for example. It's extremely realistic, especially for it's time.

Then it drags on for twenty minutes. That's just too much, especially when the average race feels long at five minutes, in a movie.

Unfortunately, most of the acting is terrible as well. Ewan McGregor is the most talented moment of the cast, but he barely does anything. The main problem with the acting is actually the dialogue. Liam Neeson might be good if we could except that normal people actually said truly bizarre things like the stuff coming out of his mouth. But we can't, and the don't.

Then there's Jar Jar. Oh, Jar Jar. Possibly the most despised character in reccent years, including villians. This character makes fart jokes. Yes, my friends, you heard me correctly: Star Wars now has fart jokes.

However, visually and in terms of special effects, this is a revolutionary movie. The planet of Naboo features some of the most beautiful scenes, and an underwater sequence is especially spectacular. The lightsaber fights are fun, but unfortunately it's impossible to care about the villian too much--he's no Darth Vader. Speaking of which, it's hard to believe that little Jake Lloyd's Anakin, who jumps aroud saying "Yippee!" and "Mom, you said most of the problems in the galaxy are cause people don't help each other" will really grow up to be the most loved-hated villian ever? Because I don't.

If all you want is visual spectacle, or something that can be watched on really boring evenings with a bowl of popcorn, buy this. If you're new to SW, stick with the Empire Strikes back, or just go with something more substantial than the unfortunate mess that is "The Phantom Menace."

Reveals George's Contempt for his Audience

I am utterly indifferent to the newest three Star Wars films in and of themselves. They are like novocain - dull, stupefying, numbly mediocre, utterly uninteresting. Awful movies, that is. It is what they signify that so deeply offends me. Their commonplace dreadfulness is magnified and made obscene by the desecration of creative genius they represent.

First of all, I've seen all three of the "first three episodes" - what I prefer to call only the last three spurts of fetid foul-smelling putrescence that Lucas has secreted** - and I can't tell you much about the new characters. And the original - actual first - three Star Wars movies were all about the characters.

I mean, sure, there are a few ridiculous interchangeable trade federation aliens, and a sanctimonious bunch of goofy looking jedis on a council (none of whom I can name other than Yoda) a couple of droid/clone armies, and a princess. What's her name? Almierda? Then there's Anakin and Obi wan and Liam Neesonwan. Those are only names from this heinous sluice of florid excrement - sorry - series that I can remember, other than Count Dookoo (Dookoo?? Good name, there George. Apt indeed...), that Sirius dude thing, and Darth Maul (the only interesting new character, who Lucas brilliantly kills off in the first episode) and, of course, the gapingly stupid - actually, I can't remember that floppy eared Rasta talking thing's name now either. Good. I've purged it.

So the new characters are mostly annoying; or boring automatons, voids and ciphers.

Even worse, the story is an utter muddle. The original series was a stark battle between Good and Evil. The bad guys were very bad, and very dangerous - compelling in that horrifying way that the SS was compelling, evil in the worst and most seductive way. The good guys were heroic, and what's more sexy - they made you want to be heroic too. Like elves in Tolkien, they made being good seem alluring, like the truly good always do. The new series - until the last fifteen minutes when Anakin finally became Darth Vadar, and I remembered why I was in theatre in the first place - has none of that profound moral tension. It's just insipid. The jedis actually come off as less sympathetic than the supposed bad guys. It was an ironic pleasure - one of the few these movies afforded - to see the annoyingly goofy lot of them abruptly and easily executed at the end of the series. Annihilating them in the first scene of Episode I might have earned this schlock two stars instead of none.

As for the rest of the mess that I suppose Lucas calls his "plot," it seemed to center on that aforementioned trade confederation. Waaay too exciting. And torturous Republican Senate politics, which the jedi are bound to perserve, by golly. Some intergalactic C-Span there for you kids. Democracy that elects that rasta dude to its assembly needs and deserves a dictator, I say.

For action, we got muddy, obviously CGI battle scenes in which I often had no idea what was going on, or how it related to the... story? The first sequence of scenes in Episode III is a good example of this - a huge CGI space battle, but with no context or coherence. Just clouds of indistinguishable, fake looking space ships zipping around performing ridiculous maneuvers, mostly meant for comic effect.

This "comedy" discloses the essence of these movies, revealing what I feel is Lucas' lack of seriousness and contempt for his audience. Han Solo or Lando Calrissian were usually playful & sardonic, and did fantastic things. The droids R2D2 & C3PO were kinda cute. But none of it ever felt gratuitous. Virtually everything they did seemed plausible, made sense in terms of their characters and the plot. Basic principle to writing good fiction, I'd think. Lucas has lost it.

And just what is this slavish passion for computer graphics? They all too often look fake. Some people born before 1970 have this childish obsessive fascination with the computer. They use computers even when what they're doing would be better accomplished some other way. Lucas is a major offender in this. Might as well just draw a cartoon in the middle of a movie. Anyway, his special effects were far better in 1977.

Last, and most heinously of all, there's the horrifically jejune love affair between Anakin & Princess What's Her Name. We are treated to some of the most awful, mind and soul numbing love prattle imaginable. It was agonizing. LaVyrle Spencer or that Nicolas Sparks fellow must have screen writing credits. If I hadn't been catonic at that point, I'd probably have upset my overflowing drool cup having dry heaves.

Anyway, to put a final point on it:

These films are the utter desecration by association of what are two of the best works of popular fiction ever produced. The first two Star Wars films are genius, epic. The third film (Return of the Jedi) is good, but seriously flawed. It was there that it became suddenly clear that Lucas did not understand that epic fiction and huge dollops of saccharine cuteness and arch sentiment are oil & water. Ewoks and goofy fake looking aliens condescendingly meant to appeal and be marketed to kids [as if all kids can appreciate is a cartoon] are lethal to the lack of affectation- that sense authenticity- an epic has to possess to succeed. You must be able to suspend disbelief, and buy into the world. Things like the ewoks and that stupid pod chariot race with those asinine alien commentators take a flamethrower to this principle.

Summation of Verdict: these movies are some of the most dissapointing, hence worst, I've ever seen. I rarely go to major studio releases any more, unless they look especially compelling. These works illustrate why. I only went to "Episodes II & III" for the sake of the seven year old I once was. It was a simple, visceral act of piety and nostalgia. I knew they would likely disappoint. So, it is only for the sake of that kid who walked flabbergasted and enchanted out of that theatre back in 1978 that I am writing about this drivel at all. Just to state for the record how putridly these three movies rot, and how disappointed I am.

How the mind that once wrote Star Wars and Empire Strikes Back could have had such a ghastly melt down is inexplicable.

George, I hope you read this. Stop messing with the original three. Re- release them in their original, unadulterated form, and I might watch one of your movies again. Maybe. If you also publish a rank full- page apology in the NY & LA Times and Washington Post and then mortify yourself with a scourge, cilice and hair shirt, all while sitting in stocks on Hollywood Boulevard for about a month.

** He could've quit after he put out Howard the Duck and Willow. But no.

An honest critique from a true star wars fan...

This movie is actually pretty good - it was amazing to see how the jedi were during their prime! The lightsaber sequences were just amazing, and like nothing that we saw in the previous trilogy. The story was interesting, for the most part, and of course, the special effects were spectacular.
Now for the bad: too much jar jar. Lucas needed to tone him down a bit. He was far too overbearing in this flick and his comedic relief was really not comedic, and really no relief! The acting in this one definitely needed work, but I think the problem was related more to Lucas' awkward dialogue and not a reflection of the actors themselves.
Overall, I can get past those issues. The new movies certainly lack the charm and emotions of the original trilogy, but they are still superior to most sci fi films that are out there.
One more thing - I keep reading how people felt that this movie was racist. I suppose that if you are looking to be offended, you will find 'racism' everywhere, even in a star wars movie.